{ANGRY}

Oh man. Poopy hits fan yet again.  My dad went into the hospital yesterday (Thurs). Joshie and I had to take him over to Philly to Graduate Hospital. I am happy he's there, they do have the best doctors....  He went to the Podiatrist on Wed to have a wound looked at on the bottom of his foot - he has diabetes and absolutely no circulation in his legs, so from the time I changed his bandage on Monday until he went to the Dr on Wed, he got gangrene. Yummy.

<sigh> you just haven't lived until you have changed the totally grody bandages on your dad's funk-foot....

So, anyway, he won an all-insurance-paid trip to his luxurious hospital room for the next 2 weeks, while they scrape the gangrene out and graft yet another set of veins into his poor, used up legs.

MEANWHILE, I am left to take care of my bed-ridden mother alone. Usually, my dad and I "tag-team" taking care of her so it's not too much on either of us. I mean, it's a liiiiiitle much to have to change her poopy diaper every day for Pete's sake (as well as my child's), so we alternate days. I get to change her MWF. He takes T TH and the weekends. LOL I feel like I am surrounded by poo. It's no wonder when I walk past the perfume aisle in ANY store I spray myself like it's some protective shield, covering me with a beautifully scented layer that will  deflect all the crap in my life off of me. Well, you know what they say, you can cover a pile of poo with sugar, but it's still poo. lol

Okay, so now it's all me, I am a one-woman-diaper-changing-at-her-beckon-call-girl for the 2 weeks my dad is getting his surgery and recouperating.  It wouldn't be so bad, but you see, my mom is VERY needy. When I say VERY, I mean, if someone is not stuck up her behind all day, she is calling them on the phone to see where there are.

Example: my dad leaves the ROOM, the ROOM mind you... to go to the bathroom. In the 15 minutes it has taken him to leave the room and relieve himself, she has called about 5-6 times wondering where he is, when he's coming back, what he's doing etc etc etc....

I am not going to get into everything here, but I have to learn to not be angry at her. You see, her illness has always been her "calling card" and most of the time, (admittedly by HER) she milked it because she liked the attention. By illness, I mean she was never diagnosed with anything but "Lupus-like" symptoms. She was always sleeping. I think she slept pretty much throughout my child years of 6-12.

The Drs put her on Prednisone for inflammation, and she took over what the Drs prescribed. She got hooked on prescription drugs and food. Subsequently, over the years, her weight and the amounts of meds she took, took their hard-earned toll. She has degenerative deterioration of the bones, and now, to be exact, spinal stenosis; her spine is completely fused together so she is forever bed-ridden. So, what started out as an attention-getting ploy at 35, turned out to be a completely dibilitating condition, rendering her bed-ridden at 65.  I guess, you reap what you sow.....

Where MY anger comes in: Her illness was a very convenient excuse to not have to parent my brother and I growing up. My ADD with hyperactivity, 1970's pre-medication adopted older brother and I were pretty much left to our own devises. So, needless to say, there was abuse and abuse and more abuse and whatever you can imagine, pretty much happened. OH did I mention the 8 foster children that my mom had to come stay with us over the years because she felt it was the "Christian" thing to do?

Foster children that were abused (and yes, sexually as well) by my brother, because, since my mom was so busy sleeping and dealing with her unidentifiable illness, didn't have too much time to deal with all of us.

My dad? .... got tired of always fighting with my mother because she had to have things her way ALL the time, and chose to find solace in working a full time job as Director of Pharmacy at Will's Eye Hosptial (ahhhhh! My mom's drug connection!) and then 3 other side jobs in various chain/retail pharmacies during nights and weekends. He hid.

ANGER ANGER ANGER FESTER FESTER FESTER.  I have dealt with all of this. I have reconciled the past, I have put that ugliness that was my life behind me. I moved out, paid my way through college (magna cum laude!). I studied abroad to get away, run away, fly away to as far-away place I could, anywhere far enough away so that all I would leave behind was only a long, winding trail back to my past. I moved out, got a teaching job..... only to have my past catch up with me again....

I married a man who was like my brother. I guess I got caught in that rut of a pattern that was my life.

Divorced him after an epiphany I had in the hospital where he put me after a drunken rage, that nobody, NOBODY deserved to be treated that way.... I got away from him. Always running away from my past, only to have it catch up to me again and again in the most unlikely ways....

I have spent years bitter, sarcastic, angry, selfish.... never turned to drugs, never to alcohol. I chose a more surruptitious recourse, one that people would not really question, a vise that could fly under the radar and not be detected, but would allow me momentary peaces, snippets of time where I didn't think about all the things in my life that had gone horribly wrong, giving me a brief reprieve, a glow of materialistic happiness that was so fleeting and so hungry. Shopping was my "drug" of choice. And man, I was good at it.

I have dealt with it. I have reconciled it. And yet. There is anger that remains.

The most pervasive thought that invades is, "WHY WHY WHY am I taking caring of you? You who ran your OWN finances into the ground so that I had to come back and take care of everything, selling your house, moving you in with me because you begged begged begged not to be put in a home, and my brother didn't want you....."

"Why am I taking care of you, when you didn't take care of me? Where were YOU when I needed you?"

My answer is simply; duty. Duty and a sense that I have been in a dark place before with her. Anger, hatred, bitterness, resentment. They ate at me. For years, ate away at my soul.....

Until, I realized one day, years ago, when I was newly pregnant, I realized that everyday was a fresh start. Every day was a day to let go of one rope and grab onto another.  Everyday, there was hope.

I let go of bitterness, depression, sarcasm that had been my well-worn armor. I let it go. I sent it floating off to be taken with the tides.  I was at a crucial point in my life: do I let my anger, resentment, bitterness BECOME who I am? or do I rise above it, do right by the new life that was growing inside of me...a clean slate for all. I got my shopping in check, put my emotional ducks in a row, and chose to be happy.

I let it go. And yet, like the tides, it still rises up within me.

AND SO, I am left with this thought:

 

What can I help? Today. I can help do right today for a tomorrow I can live with. What can't I help? The past. The past is past. Buddha once said, "Anger will never disappear so long of thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. And will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten."

The bible say, you reap what you sow. My mother has sown her seeds, and she will have to answer for it. My father, too, lives with the today of his yesterday's decisions. It is not up to me to punish, or judge, or treat her harshly. It is up to me to care for her the best I can, so JOSH can see what it means to care for another human being. The lesson here is not to perpetuate resentment, neglect and hurt, but foster a caring and compassion within my son's heart that was never taught to me. I need to let the resentment go, cut those ties and leave her to deal with her own choices, choices I know, she regrets.

I need to continue down the newly paved road I started for myself years ago. Okay, so, there are speedbumps, there is construction, there are delays. But, it's a better road, going to a better place, a journey I want to take.

Like I said, I have been in a dark, hateful place full of depression and anger.  I am not frivolously upbeat or light-hearted. Happiness does not come easy to me. I choose to be happy, for it is a conscious choice. I can get mired down in misery, going down with the pull of gravity is easier than jumping up against it, but, no. I have been there, done that. I will try so hard to rise above this anger I am facing and jump up back on the happy trail. lol

I will do it, because I choose to, I will be patient and kind, not hurtful, mean or bitter. I will be those things for Josh, for myself, my family. I will not let anger get the best of me. I will not be angry that this weekend, our Father's Day plans have been disrupted, or that, in general, our lives have been disrupted. I will find peace in my family, in my son. I will stand firm in knowing I am doing right by God, and we will make our own happiness.

Comments

[Denean]

{{{HUGS}}} Sweetie! You are one strong girl! I am so admiring you right now!!

[Lene S]

While reading this post I have gone through so many different kind of emotions. Flash back memories.... Sadness, anger, hopelessness, bitterness ...and then HOPE. Thank u so much for sharing your story, it´s heartbreaking yet full of hope. I don´t know you, but I still want to give you a big hug;o)

[Kelly Slattery]

You are AMAZING!! I am proud of you for choosing to give your son a great mother! Thank you for sharing your story :o)

[Rhonna]

wtg...I have chills...
you are amazing...
& yes.
You did right by God & you will *feel* the happiness!
you are my hero!

R

[Lara Moss]

wow - you are amazing! Don't know how you cope with all you have on.

[kris]

ack! how does one get in touch with you lol where's ur email addie i wanted to respond to the comment u left on my bloggy!!:)

[Susie]

LMAO! scrappin_susie@yahoo.com

[Kaci Jackson]

I feel a kinship to you. I too struggle with anger-rage really. I try to not let the poison seep into my children and husband, but I can see that I have not done so well. I too have trouble being happy. Your words about fighting gravity are exactly how I feel. What do you tell yourself, how do you let go of resentment-of things not going the way you envision? I never want to live the life I led growing up when things were so out-of-control. My mother was the same as yours, different demons but manifested in the same way-neglect. I'm still stuck in the mire.
Kaci

[Ania]

Oh my!
I don't know you but your history deeply touched me, and I must say you're such a STRONG woman for going through all this and yet be able to look into yourself and want to work with yourself and strive to rise above it......*big hugs*

[yolanda]

Like you I have much the same issues. I was sexually abused by two male family members one in my immeadiate family,also verbally and emotionally abused by my dad.I took care of him till he died in feb but like you i still have deep seated anger that I am dealing with and bitterness about a few things like infertility and all. YOur honesty touched me and like you I am trying to change my mindset. I so know what you are going thru and if you ever need to talk email me. If you ever want to save some money blogger is free while typepad isn't. That is why I switched sure it takes some time to learn how to work with it but I see it as a challenge. Good luck and come by and check my blog out.