{DAY 5 ME CHALLENGE - YESTERDAY'S BLUES}
OMG, I haven't been sleeping well these past few nights. I think it's the ole ulcer flarin up again. Plop plop fizz fizz, that's what dinner felt like last night going down. LOL
So, what do I do to help? Drink 3 cups of coffee today to make up for lack-of-sleep syndrome.....
which really helps the bloated buddha-belly. (I know - ewww gross. lol)
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
LOVE that Christine Lavin song... She really really cracks me up.
http://www.christinelavin.com/
I saw her in a so-chic boho little restaurant-downstairs-music-stage upstairs place in Philly called The Tin Angel.
They have all kinds of singers that take the stage there. I used to go there all the time in another life....
<TOTAL SIGH> I am SO putting that on the list of ME things the next couple a weeks.
I was kinda frustrated today with the challenge. Although I was happy to have the time to clean up da mess mountain, I was also annoyed that I could have been spending it doing something else, namely scrapping! And I was mad at myself for letting it get so bad in the first place.
Also, there was a liiiittle part of me that was sad because he was having so much fun - without me! LOL
BUT don't get me wrong......
I totally enjoyed having uninterrupted time today - even if it was to CLEAN! AND, I know Josh needs to positively interact with lots of different people...
But in a wee little place in my heart, an itty bitty part of me was aching because that invisible umbilical cord was stretching again. LOL It gave me a pang, you know, that little mommy jolt of "OMG, he's growing so fast!!!" ...and I'm missin; it cleaning this stinkin' room.
That thought has invaded my mind more, "I'm missing it," since my parents moved in. It was difficult adjusting to the different pace. All the nurses, aids, doctors, physical therapists, specialists, coming in and out. Losing our privacy.
Before when it was Just Josh during the day, life was a little slower, more peaceful, more focused on him. Blissfully bubble-like. lol It's difficult not to be resentful because I can't totally focus on just Josh and me right now. I have to fight that feeling. (all 80's children sing, "I Can't Fight this Feeling" LOL) UGH digressing AGAIN!
Sometimes I feel like the Porcupine Named Fluffy., the character in a children's book I read to Josh.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0395520185/102-8852922-8922511?v=glance&n=283155I
Fluffy wants so badly to be "Fluffy" so he tries all kinds of things to escape what he is. But, in the end, he accepts the fact that it is what it is, and embraces his non-fluffiness, finding humor in himself.
I mean, I guess being pulled in so many directions at once as a caregiver makes me feel a bit porcupine-like. Prickly all over. LOL I get mad sometimes because I can't just go as I please, I always am thinking about someone else's needs whether they know it or not. Dinners. Doctors. Diapers.
I so wish I could be "fluffy" and not have to worry about so many things, but it is what it is. So, I try to focus on the positive.
And, because of all the "negatives," I hold onto nice things with an unparalelled voracity only seen in only a three toed sloth baby holding onto its momma's underbelly for dear life....desperately. lol
Soooo, my Me thing today...
Uncle Chuck came over and spent the day with Josh. I was here, working on cleaning out the Crap room... oops I mean SCRAP room. lol Being annoyed that I am cleaning. Being annoyed that I have accumulated so much stuff that it is UN-BE-LIEVE-ABLE. Sucking down coffee to keep me awake. Getting pissy thinking about all the things I could be doing.
I spent hours in there cleaning while I watched Chuck and Josh play catch and tag, take a ride on the big quad (MY job!), then on his, launch nerf rockets in the air, play in the sandbox, catch bugs, pick flowers, wander in the garden...
Then it dawned on me that HE is the reason I scrap in the first place, my numero uno ongoing photography challenge.
Not to be the next hottest name, not to teach classes, not to organize crops, not even to be on a design team or be published. I scrap for Josh, for Stephen, my parents, ME.
I scrap:
to enjoy a hobby,
to find a creative outlet,
as a place to rejuevenate my spirit.
for the ones I love
for me....
I am living my past and I want to preserve it.
So, if it meant that I spend a day or two or even three cleaning up the mess I made in order to be able to get back into scrapping, so be it.
So, for today's Me thing?
I am going let go of resentment and bitter feelings and understand the preciousness of life's little moments.
I am going to enjoy these moments with my son before he is no longer "mine"
I am going to let him play with lots of glitter and glue likes he loves, but I rarely let him because of the mess....
just
because.
I am going to take lots of pics.
and I am going to scrap them.
...then I will take my little boy to see the movie Cars, eat yummy buttery movie popcorn, and hold him tight.
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