{tiny tidbits}

{STOP THIS CRAZY ROLLER COASTER!}

Okay, so <WHEW> I finally found like a snippet of time here to blog. (so what if it's 6:30 in the morning!)

So... with all that has gone on in my life in the past week or so, my thought is this:

My dad went into the hospital for 11 days. My mom was as worried about her own needs as much as I was worried about my dad, so it was 11 days of pretty much sheer torture while I cared for my mother.  Every morning, I dreaded opening the door to her room. Every morning, it was that What-are-you-going-to-do-for-me attitude that almost set me over the edge and into fits where I had visions of winding up the cover story on the evening news. LOL

The first week, she tried to be "good." She tried not to want/need/ask for too much. However, as much as she tried, she did not succeed. Her needs ALWAYS superceded everyone else's in the house. She didn't want me to go to the hospital the day before my dad's surgery (I would leave her alone too long) BUT she could not come right out and say that, so she would say things like,

"I don't think your daddy wants you to come all the way to Philly to see him..."  ( uh.....no.)

or:

"He's going to be pretty groggy anyway before surgery, you might as well wait until he's home..." (groggy the day BEFORE surgery? And wait for almost 2 weeks? - I don't think so!)

Or

"I don't know if it's a good idea that you take Josh all the way to the city, it's such a long drive!"  (Hmmmm #1: a fact that she wasn't worried about ANYtime I went into Philly before - Hmmmm #2: it's only a 45 minute drive - about the amount of time it took me to get to the old house when I was trekking my newborn baby back and forth caring for HER.)

Needless to say, I went to see my dad, ON FATHER'S DAY, the day before his surgery. I went to see him 2 days after his surgery, and I went to pick him up from the hospital when he was ready to come home.

Stephen gave me some sound advice to help take care of her while my dad was away... "Just keep it all business. Go in, do what you gotta do, get out. Don't let her get to you, that's all!" It made sense to me. Easy, right?

WRONG. First of all, since she is my mother, she expertly knows all the buttons to push that will precisely trigger an emotional circuit overload. It is almost as if she seems to enjoy goading me to see if she could get a reaction. And, I noticed, the less I responded, the MORE she tried to push my buttons.

A couple of times I gave in. I got angry. I fed into the crap that she was dishing out that left such a bad taste in my mouth....  The thing she likes, I figured, is the apology that always come after the eating of the crap. It's the eating crow that she enjoys. So, she will press all the hot-spots of my emotional repetoire until I short circuit overload and then she waits for me to come in, inevitably, tail between my legs, asking forgiveness for being so mean to her.

So, it was when I outright told her;

"Here's the thing mom. I am already pretty much already angry all the time with you. So, I am working on that. I am angry with the fact that I have to take care of you. It angers me because I think to myself, "Why should I take care of you, when you weren't there for ME when I needed you."'

Here, I get kind of a wounded look along with the an I-don't-understand-what-you-are-talking-about eyebrow raise.

"So, the bottom line is," I continue, "That I am taking care of you because it's the right thing to do. I am doing it so daddy doesn't have to worry, I am doing it, because it's what Pop-pop would have done." She begins to interrupt now, I can see her struggling with the need, the absolute need to turn things around, to try to take some of the blame off of her and dump it on me.... I hold up my hand.

"Mom, I am struggling with this anger. I just want you to know that it's not easy having to take care of you when you didn't take care of me as a child. That's it. That is all I want to say."

She paused for quite a while, a lapse that usually never happens because she is so quick to turn the tables and already has her script prepared. I braced myself for the guilt-blow, and chanted my mantra to myself, "donotgetangry donotgetangry donotgetangry"

She sighed. A long, hard, almost defeated sigh. I don't know if the sound made me feel better or worse.

"I know it's hard." she spoke. "I can understand how difficult this is for you, and you are right. You don't owe me anything, I certainly don't deserve it. It is nice that you and Stephen have taken me into your house and not putting me in a nursing home." She raised her gaze and looked at me forlornly, "I will do my best to make it easy on you."

Now, this may sound nice, but I have played this game before and lost. It's the take-the-guilt-to-the-next-level where she "admits" to being wrong and then tries to fling the guilt like mud, back onto me with a poor, pitiful me, defeated speech. The past sceneros might have been different, but the outcome has always ended with the same result; somehow, I am rightfully mad, but wind up apologizing to her.

She waited to bathe in the glow of her guilt ridden speech. She waited to hear, "Oh NO, mom, it's okay, you're not too much trouble at all!" She didn't get it.

I looked at her blankly and said, "Good, I am glad you understand." I turned and left her speechless.

Throughout the next couple of days, she did her best to get a reaction out of me. Nothing worked, until she announced one day,

"Oh, I called Lauren to tell her that your father was in the hospital."

Lauren is my step-daughter. Why she would call her to tell her when WE had already let her know is beyond me. It's not her place, but I let it go. She added with oozing pleasure,

"Well, since she wasn't home, I talked to Shelley and told her about it."

Shelley is Stephen's ex-wife. She had me. The anger exploded. Came pouring out, at a Mount St. Helen's proportion eruption.

"WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TELL STEPHEN'S EX WIFE ANYTHING???" I felt like leveling her lunch tray right at her.

"I don't know what you mean? I figured, since Lauren wasn't there, I would just have Shelley relay the message to her!" The blank stare, deer-caught-in-the-headlights look. It is always the same. That "why,-whatever-do-you-mean?" southern belle psedo innocence gets me everytime. I almost hear the Scarlett O'Hara drawl in her voice. She knows damn well what I mean.

She continued, "I can't call Lauren to tell her what's going on?" Now, the look of hurt follows.

I scream, "NO you CAN'T call Lauren! It is NOT YOUR PLACE TO CALL HER!" I am now at full-fume. "WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? ARE YOU JUST PLAIN STUPID OR ARE YOU JUST THAT CRUEL?"

You see, even though we get along with the ex, Shelley still has a happy knack of storing up information to be used at a later date. And my mom is a classic distortor of the truth, so who knows what she really said to Shelley.

now the tears... "What did I do that was so wrong? I..I don't understand.."

"I know MOM, you never understand. I can't beleive that you would call Stephen's ex-wife. You have NO right."

I FORCE myself to be calm. Find-a-happy-place. But all I see is red. BIG flaming bright red visions of strangling her. My hands itch.

"Forget it mom. You just don't get it." I turn and leave the room, slam the doors behind me.  But since they are glass French doors, the effect is more of a muffled thud than a you-get-the-point bang. Story of my life.

BUT, this time, the outcome is different. This time, she will not "win." This time, I go in throughout the day and it is ALL business. "what do you need. here is your lunch. I have to change you now. Here is your dinner."

At some point during the day, she has called my father to tell him the situation and 5 of her friends relaying to them the sordid details of our arguement as only her point of view could allow.

By that evening, I was still mad, but more of a dull, aching simmering mad than a seething, boiling fury. I call my dad to see how he is and he tells me that mom called and told him what she did. As usual, my dad sided with me, asking her matter of factly WHY would she do that? But to my surprise, my mom actually agreed that what she did was wrong. So, when I went in for the "evening routine" I faced a pensive, full-of-remorse mom.

"I am sorry." she began. "I shouldn't have told Shelley anything."

"NO mom, you shouldn't have called at all. It was out of line and it's not your place to call Stephen's daughter." still business-like.

"I know. I guess. <great big sigh> Sometimes I need a shot of common sense before I act." she half laughed, trying to lighten up the mood. For the first time, in, since I can't remember when, she knew she was actually wrong and didn't try to flip the coin.

"Yep." I agreed, thinking the arsenal of needles I would need to inject her with common sense would make a heroine addict swoon. "It's kind of always been that way, mom."

The next couple of days until I picked my father up from the hospital were relatively quiet. She didn't needle me to turn the AC up 1 or 2 degrees, didn't ask for something as I was walking out the door, didn't call the house phone 13 times throughout the day to see when I was coming in....

I didn't apologize. It was business as usual until my dad came home. Forcing myself to detach is hard, but harder still is breaking the long pattern of guilt that has been intricately woven around me my whole life.

It takes time to untangle the web.

Time = Healing = Happiness.

I want the outcome of my life to be as happy as I can be. It does depend on me and the hard task of putting this pattern of guilt-anger to rest. A  blow that I wish could be guilotine like, but I know will be a more hard-earned, often tortureous route. But, the freedom I will have in the end will be worth the effort.

{NEW DAY}

Well, today is a new day.... and a chance for a fresh start:

Totally digi-scraplifted this design from Rhonna's Sweet Pea kit found at www.twopeasinabucket.com

Digi designing is a little easier for me right now, but I will make my way back to paper soon. lol

LOVE this quote and I am lovin this quote site:  http://www.inspirationpeak.com/

I also want to get the "Love" shirt there; SO CUTE and I love the simple message it conveys.

Not too much today.... busy taking care of mom and family. I am cleaning out the scraproom so I can FINALLY work in there - UGHHHH I hate not being able to scrap! I am like chompin at the bit to get my hot little hands on some patterned paper. So, today, I tried a little more kindness. I do feel bad for my mother, even though she had a lot to do with putting herself in this position, it must be so terrible to have to rely on someone for everything and man do I mean EVERYthing. I think if I just try to see things a little more from her perspective, it will get easier to let go of the anger and resentment...each day, I let go of a little more.....

WELL, I am off to tickle Josh's little toes, read "some couple bookies" and then clean out the sacred scrap room!

{ANGRY}

Oh man. Poopy hits fan yet again.  My dad went into the hospital yesterday (Thurs). Joshie and I had to take him over to Philly to Graduate Hospital. I am happy he's there, they do have the best doctors....  He went to the Podiatrist on Wed to have a wound looked at on the bottom of his foot - he has diabetes and absolutely no circulation in his legs, so from the time I changed his bandage on Monday until he went to the Dr on Wed, he got gangrene. Yummy.

<sigh> you just haven't lived until you have changed the totally grody bandages on your dad's funk-foot....

So, anyway, he won an all-insurance-paid trip to his luxurious hospital room for the next 2 weeks, while they scrape the gangrene out and graft yet another set of veins into his poor, used up legs.

MEANWHILE, I am left to take care of my bed-ridden mother alone. Usually, my dad and I "tag-team" taking care of her so it's not too much on either of us. I mean, it's a liiiiiitle much to have to change her poopy diaper every day for Pete's sake (as well as my child's), so we alternate days. I get to change her MWF. He takes T TH and the weekends. LOL I feel like I am surrounded by poo. It's no wonder when I walk past the perfume aisle in ANY store I spray myself like it's some protective shield, covering me with a beautifully scented layer that will  deflect all the crap in my life off of me. Well, you know what they say, you can cover a pile of poo with sugar, but it's still poo. lol

Okay, so now it's all me, I am a one-woman-diaper-changing-at-her-beckon-call-girl for the 2 weeks my dad is getting his surgery and recouperating.  It wouldn't be so bad, but you see, my mom is VERY needy. When I say VERY, I mean, if someone is not stuck up her behind all day, she is calling them on the phone to see where there are.

Example: my dad leaves the ROOM, the ROOM mind you... to go to the bathroom. In the 15 minutes it has taken him to leave the room and relieve himself, she has called about 5-6 times wondering where he is, when he's coming back, what he's doing etc etc etc....

I am not going to get into everything here, but I have to learn to not be angry at her. You see, her illness has always been her "calling card" and most of the time, (admittedly by HER) she milked it because she liked the attention. By illness, I mean she was never diagnosed with anything but "Lupus-like" symptoms. She was always sleeping. I think she slept pretty much throughout my child years of 6-12.

The Drs put her on Prednisone for inflammation, and she took over what the Drs prescribed. She got hooked on prescription drugs and food. Subsequently, over the years, her weight and the amounts of meds she took, took their hard-earned toll. She has degenerative deterioration of the bones, and now, to be exact, spinal stenosis; her spine is completely fused together so she is forever bed-ridden. So, what started out as an attention-getting ploy at 35, turned out to be a completely dibilitating condition, rendering her bed-ridden at 65.  I guess, you reap what you sow.....

Where MY anger comes in: Her illness was a very convenient excuse to not have to parent my brother and I growing up. My ADD with hyperactivity, 1970's pre-medication adopted older brother and I were pretty much left to our own devises. So, needless to say, there was abuse and abuse and more abuse and whatever you can imagine, pretty much happened. OH did I mention the 8 foster children that my mom had to come stay with us over the years because she felt it was the "Christian" thing to do?

Foster children that were abused (and yes, sexually as well) by my brother, because, since my mom was so busy sleeping and dealing with her unidentifiable illness, didn't have too much time to deal with all of us.

My dad? .... got tired of always fighting with my mother because she had to have things her way ALL the time, and chose to find solace in working a full time job as Director of Pharmacy at Will's Eye Hosptial (ahhhhh! My mom's drug connection!) and then 3 other side jobs in various chain/retail pharmacies during nights and weekends. He hid.

ANGER ANGER ANGER FESTER FESTER FESTER.  I have dealt with all of this. I have reconciled the past, I have put that ugliness that was my life behind me. I moved out, paid my way through college (magna cum laude!). I studied abroad to get away, run away, fly away to as far-away place I could, anywhere far enough away so that all I would leave behind was only a long, winding trail back to my past. I moved out, got a teaching job..... only to have my past catch up with me again....

I married a man who was like my brother. I guess I got caught in that rut of a pattern that was my life.

Divorced him after an epiphany I had in the hospital where he put me after a drunken rage, that nobody, NOBODY deserved to be treated that way.... I got away from him. Always running away from my past, only to have it catch up to me again and again in the most unlikely ways....

I have spent years bitter, sarcastic, angry, selfish.... never turned to drugs, never to alcohol. I chose a more surruptitious recourse, one that people would not really question, a vise that could fly under the radar and not be detected, but would allow me momentary peaces, snippets of time where I didn't think about all the things in my life that had gone horribly wrong, giving me a brief reprieve, a glow of materialistic happiness that was so fleeting and so hungry. Shopping was my "drug" of choice. And man, I was good at it.

I have dealt with it. I have reconciled it. And yet. There is anger that remains.

The most pervasive thought that invades is, "WHY WHY WHY am I taking caring of you? You who ran your OWN finances into the ground so that I had to come back and take care of everything, selling your house, moving you in with me because you begged begged begged not to be put in a home, and my brother didn't want you....."

"Why am I taking care of you, when you didn't take care of me? Where were YOU when I needed you?"

My answer is simply; duty. Duty and a sense that I have been in a dark place before with her. Anger, hatred, bitterness, resentment. They ate at me. For years, ate away at my soul.....

Until, I realized one day, years ago, when I was newly pregnant, I realized that everyday was a fresh start. Every day was a day to let go of one rope and grab onto another.  Everyday, there was hope.

I let go of bitterness, depression, sarcasm that had been my well-worn armor. I let it go. I sent it floating off to be taken with the tides.  I was at a crucial point in my life: do I let my anger, resentment, bitterness BECOME who I am? or do I rise above it, do right by the new life that was growing inside of me...a clean slate for all. I got my shopping in check, put my emotional ducks in a row, and chose to be happy.

I let it go. And yet, like the tides, it still rises up within me.

AND SO, I am left with this thought:

 

What can I help? Today. I can help do right today for a tomorrow I can live with. What can't I help? The past. The past is past. Buddha once said, "Anger will never disappear so long of thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. And will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten."

The bible say, you reap what you sow. My mother has sown her seeds, and she will have to answer for it. My father, too, lives with the today of his yesterday's decisions. It is not up to me to punish, or judge, or treat her harshly. It is up to me to care for her the best I can, so JOSH can see what it means to care for another human being. The lesson here is not to perpetuate resentment, neglect and hurt, but foster a caring and compassion within my son's heart that was never taught to me. I need to let the resentment go, cut those ties and leave her to deal with her own choices, choices I know, she regrets.

I need to continue down the newly paved road I started for myself years ago. Okay, so, there are speedbumps, there is construction, there are delays. But, it's a better road, going to a better place, a journey I want to take.

Like I said, I have been in a dark, hateful place full of depression and anger.  I am not frivolously upbeat or light-hearted. Happiness does not come easy to me. I choose to be happy, for it is a conscious choice. I can get mired down in misery, going down with the pull of gravity is easier than jumping up against it, but, no. I have been there, done that. I will try so hard to rise above this anger I am facing and jump up back on the happy trail. lol

I will do it, because I choose to, I will be patient and kind, not hurtful, mean or bitter. I will be those things for Josh, for myself, my family. I will not let anger get the best of me. I will not be angry that this weekend, our Father's Day plans have been disrupted, or that, in general, our lives have been disrupted. I will find peace in my family, in my son. I will stand firm in knowing I am doing right by God, and we will make our own happiness.

{HOW 'BOUT THOSE FINANCES?}

This might sound like a strange thing to discuss for a ME challenge, but it's really a very appropriate one. Money, more appropriately, what I OWE, is the ONE thing that is standing in my way of real happiness. I am lucky: Stephen and I have been through enough to know that we are OK, our relationship is solid. I have a happy, healthy little boy, I have a beautiful home (and we are getting ready to fix it up! yeah!) I have a teaching career I can go back to....

So, what is this setback that is so tightly wrapped around money? Why do I have such a "block" when it comes to managing my finances?  It seems like I get an extra couple of bucks and I am off to the online stores to see what goodies I can buy.

I think I was hit with this when I was doing my Daily Bread. I am not a religious fanatic. I do like the messages and it makes me put things in perspective sometimes. So, I was reading the other day, "What a Relief," the passage that asked the difficult question;

"Why do we wait so long to deal with the personal failures that weigh so heavily on our minds?"

And the answer that weighed so heavily on my soul, was "I don't know." 

This thought struck me hard:

I am living in fear right now.... every time the phone rings, every bill that comes that I don't pay because I chose to spend my money on something else....

The fact is, I must get control of my spending. I work hard on being a good role model for Josh, why am I neglecting the thing that will inevitably be the biggest part of his life? I need to teach him to SAVE. (okay, I have bought a $100 bond every month without fail! yeah!) But, there is not much in his saving account. College money does not just materialize.... (OH how I wish I had one of those money trees that my father spoke of.....)

I want to confess, by that meaning, I want to come clean about my debts to Stephen (EEEEKKKKKKK!). I want to answer that phone when the dreaded "Unknown" shows up on the caller ID, and I want to make a pay off plan.

Okay, so, my camera will wait a little longer. No more scrap extranneous supplies. (Ummm like I NEED them? really...)

Confession brings freedom huh? I would like to be:

free from monetary constraints....

free to live without fear of spending because my finances are in check...

free to pick up the phone without feeling pathetic...

free to live without lies, lies to Stephen about what I bought, or hiding packages, or playing "beat-the-box" with the mailman so DH doesn't see what comes...

I WANT Josh to see a responsible mommy who can control money, not let it control me.

I WANT to BE a financially responsible, independant woman.

I need to GET CONTROL NOW, and it's time I stopped acting like a spoiled teenager.

I need to:

STOP SPENDING

START PAYING OFF DEBTS

START SAVING

I will finish that book a friend suggested, Mindfulness of Money and I will keep a spending journal.

I know it will be hard, but I have to start somewhere. So, I think, today...today I will pick up the phone and face the Unknown....

Peace of mind. What a wonderful thing to give to MYSELF!

ME CHALLENGE - 1 WEEK MILESTONE!

....so here's my thought for today:

 

21 until a habit is formed right? 

Already, I am excited about my next new habit! LOL I feel like doing this, sticking with something, is an excellent way for Josh to understand that when Mommy says she is going to do something, she does it. It's important for me to back up my words with ACTIONS.

SO, had a super-awesome weekend at the campground. Went to the racetrack (Oaklane QuarterMidget track) I think it was a little sad for DH Stephen since Lauren retired last year. BUT, I know he's totally psyched about Josh wanting to race. When I tell you that boy is a natural behind a wheel, I mean, man, he's like some kinda child prodigy or something.... he can steer just about anything he jumps into; quad, racecar, tractor, and nothing is FAST enough for him. He keeps trying to push it in a higher gear. LOL  And, you should see him REVERSE! It's a HOOT! He's not yet 2 1/2. Good thing they start QuarterMidgets at 4. LOL

Well, I guess it is just in the blood... his sister raced cars, his dad raced 4-wheelers (was a champion!), and his great - grand daddy was a professional racer as well....

<sigh> I should just accept it... but it's just that they go so, so, so FAST!

Lauren raced for 8 years, but she didn't have the "bug" like Josh seems to. She liked to go to the track to race, sure, but she also liked hangin' out with her track friends more.

Josh, he just wants to race. You can see it in him at the track. He's glued to the cars, like it's a movie or something. We had to drag him away on Saturday, and even then, had to bribe him to get him outta there! "Let's go Josh, you can ride your quad when we get to the campground."

Which he did, over and over until the battery finally died.

Ya know, it's so funny. We didn't push anything on him when it came to racing. We just went along with things that interested him. It's just interesting he gravitated towards racing...

Well, I should be happy. The racing is, believe it or not, a total family sport. EVERY weekend, from April - Nov (longer if you race indoors) you are with your child. And, the track is a very family oriented place. We are members at Oaklane:

http://home.jtan.com/~joe/oaklane/index.htm

Stephen thought we should stay involved in case Josh did want to race. And, it's a good thing he didn't sell any of Lauren's cars, b/c it looks like we'll need them! LOL

Well, on to the ME Challenge info!

A few tips that have helped me this past week:

**When I set my timer for dinner, I use that time to get other things done, laundry, dishes, minor cleaning, etc

**I hired a cleaner!

**I have been using www.Flylady.net, it really does help keep me on some kind of schedule.

**I DEFINITELY have been delegating more this past week.

**I use the CROCKPOT! check out:

http://southernfood.about.com/library/crock/blcpidx.htm and here

http://crockpot.cdkitchen.com/ and here

http://www.recipegoldmine.com/crockpot/crockpot.html

That should give you ideas to last until X-mas! LOL

ALSO got a little inspiration from a motivational thinking site that I read about trying to help stay at home moms feeling more empowered... lol However, I did get some really good advice from there!

DON'T LET NEGATIVE THINKING GET IN THE WAY!

It's easy to think things like, "Nobody else can do what I do."

Once upon a time, you couldn't "do what you do". You had to learn the skills you have now. (I mean, hamburger helper does not just pop up outta my pan and say, "Look, I'm cooked!") And if you were able to learn them, undoubtedly somebody else  (like DH or even kids?) can learn them too.

Tonight, we had 3 of Stephen's buddies over for dinner. They're helping put on a new roof soon, so there's a lot of guy-excitement going on.  Made a big chicken n dumplin's dinner and then told the boys jokingly, "You helped eat it dinner, you can help pick the rest it up!" They all helped (including Josh) and the table was cleared, dishes done and put away in NO time!! LOL

Little things mean a lot. Seemingly small tasks can eat big holes in your time.

Or how about this one:

"If I don't do it myself, it won't get done right." (Ick, I hear my mom talking. lol) It's often true that the first time someone attempts something new, it's not perfect. But (1) everything doesn't have to be perfect, and (2) with practice, people generally perform a given task better, if not perfect. Okay, so maybe the room you asked your 2 year old to "pick up" isn't perfect, at least he tried. LOL

and finally,

"I can't afford help." Few of us are in a position to have every distasteful chore done by somebody else while we command from on high. Pity really, but most of us have to prioritize and make do. That does not mean that you put yourself last on your list of priorities.

Time is money. How much is your time worth to yourself....your family? Remember, all the time that you spend on on a task that you either don't want or don't need to do, it's costing you. When you look at it this way, maybe you'll decide you can't afford not to get help.  Previously, when I read this, I knew it made sense. But I worried what it would look like, even to me! LOL Was it selfish to hire a cleaner when my mother and grandmother cleaned their homes and all my friends clean their own houses... etc etc etc... The only person I was being selfish to...was Josh, the person I want to be the most selfless.

So, after my house was cleaned today, I came home from a dr.s appt after a morning spent gettin my exercise running between the washer, the line and the rooms where the clothes belonged..... I realized that it was priceless to come home to a house smelling clean and fresh.  AND best of all, I didn't have to do it! LOL

Find ways to make time for yourself. Whose life is it, anyway?

{DAY 5 ME CHALLENGE - YESTERDAY'S BLUES}

OMG, I haven't been sleeping well these past few nights. I think it's the ole ulcer flarin up again. Plop plop fizz fizz, that's what dinner felt like last night going down. LOL

So, what do I do to help? Drink 3 cups of coffee today to make up for lack-of-sleep syndrome.....

 

which really helps the bloated buddha-belly. (I know - ewww gross. lol)

WHAT WAS I THINKING?

LOVE that Christine Lavin song... She really really cracks me up.

http://www.christinelavin.com/

I saw her in a so-chic boho little restaurant-downstairs-music-stage upstairs place in Philly called The Tin Angel.

http://www.tinangel.com/

They have all kinds of singers that take the stage there. I used to go there all the time in another life....

<TOTAL SIGH> I am SO putting that on the list of ME things the next couple a weeks.

I was kinda frustrated today with the challenge. Although I was happy to have the time to clean up da mess mountain, I was also annoyed that I could have been spending it doing something else, namely scrapping! And I was mad at myself for letting it get so bad in the first place.

Also, there was a liiiittle part of me that was sad because he was having so much fun - without me! LOL

BUT don't get me wrong......

I totally enjoyed having uninterrupted time today - even if it was to CLEAN! AND, I know Josh needs to positively interact with lots of different people...

But in a wee little place in my heart, an itty bitty part of me was aching because that invisible umbilical cord was stretching again. LOL It gave me a pang, you know, that little mommy jolt of "OMG, he's growing so fast!!!" ...and I'm missin; it cleaning this stinkin' room.

That thought has invaded my mind more, "I'm missing it," since my parents moved in. It was difficult adjusting to the different pace. All the nurses, aids, doctors, physical therapists, specialists, coming in and out. Losing our privacy.

Before when it was Just Josh during the day, life was a little slower, more peaceful, more focused on him. Blissfully bubble-like. lol It's difficult not to be resentful because I can't totally focus on just Josh and me right now. I have to fight that feeling. (all 80's children sing, "I Can't Fight this Feeling" LOL) UGH digressing AGAIN!

Sometimes I feel like the Porcupine Named Fluffy., the character in a children's book I read to Josh.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0395520185/102-8852922-8922511?v=glance&n=283155I

Fluffy wants so badly to be "Fluffy" so he tries all kinds of things to escape what he is.  But, in the end, he accepts the fact that it is what it is, and embraces his non-fluffiness, finding humor in himself.

I mean, I guess being pulled in so many directions at once as a caregiver makes me feel a bit porcupine-like. Prickly all over. LOL I get mad sometimes because I can't just go as I please, I always am thinking about someone else's needs whether they know it or not. Dinners. Doctors. Diapers.

I so wish I could be "fluffy" and not have to worry about so many things, but it is what it is. So, I try to focus on the positive.

And, because of all the "negatives," I hold onto nice things with an unparalelled voracity only seen in only a three toed sloth baby holding onto its momma's underbelly for dear life....desperately. lol

Soooo, my Me thing today...

Uncle Chuck came over and spent the day with Josh. I was here, working on cleaning out the Crap room... oops I mean SCRAP room. lol  Being annoyed that I am cleaning. Being annoyed that I have accumulated so much stuff that it is UN-BE-LIEVE-ABLE. Sucking down coffee to keep me awake. Getting pissy thinking about all the things I could be doing.

I spent hours in there cleaning while I watched Chuck and Josh play catch and tag, take a ride on the big quad (MY job!), then on his, launch nerf rockets in the air, play in the sandbox, catch bugs, pick flowers, wander in the garden...

Then it dawned on me that HE is the reason I scrap in the first place, my numero uno ongoing photography challenge.

Not to be the next hottest name, not to teach classes, not to organize crops, not even to be on a design team or be published. I scrap for Josh, for Stephen, my parents, ME. 

I scrap:

to enjoy a hobby,

to find a creative outlet,

as a place to rejuevenate my spirit.

for the ones I love

for me....

I am living my past and I want to preserve it.

So, if it meant that I spend a day or two or even three cleaning up the mess I made in order to be able to get back into scrapping, so be it.

So, for today's Me thing?

I am going let go of resentment and bitter feelings and understand the preciousness of life's little moments.

I am going to enjoy these moments with my son before he is no longer "mine"

I am going to let him play with lots of glitter and glue likes he loves, but I rarely let him because of the mess....

just

because.

I am going to take lots of pics.

and I am going to scrap them.

...then I will take my little boy to see the movie Cars, eat yummy buttery movie popcorn, and hold him tight.

{SIMPLIFY}

LOVED designing this. Inspired by

http://www.kerismith.com/blog/

So just went to amazon.com and bought her book, Living Out Loud, Activites to Fuel a Creative Life

So admire people who use their creativity to inspire others...

SO today's message is obviously:

KEEP IT SIMPLE!

Just like eeeeeverybody else, I attempt to juggle my life while tiptoeing on a tightrope; hoping that the dozens of things-I-have-to-do-today-balls I've flung in the air won't all come down at once and bonk me on the noggin. But, inevitably when you go too fast, do too much, they always have a happy knack of coming crashing down. And, as always, chaos ensues.

I run late for appointments

I become irritable because I can't fit in everything I wanted to

I loose track of time

I loose track of my car keys. lol

My brain feels like it's being pulled in 20 different directions, all going about 100mph until I want to scream STOOOOPPPPP at the top of my lungs until the constantly moving hands of the clock come to a screeching halt and stop busying themselves to give ME a few minutes break.

But, of course, that doesn't happen. Time doesn't stop for me...imagine that!

But there is hope. Time management and professional organizers say it over and over again. In fact, it's almost become a mantra:

Simplify, simplify, simply.

To which people reply, "You have all the time in world, just like everybody else -- 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day and 365 days in a year."

The trick is, you just have to figure out how to spend it. AND if you anything like me, I whittle away precious moments doing.... well I don't even know what sometimes. And then at the end of the day, exhausted, post-it notes everywhere, lists written on the back of envelopes half completed, I say to myself, "Where DID the time go?"

"Learn how to slow down,"  says Twila Gates, Life Coach at PowerSystems Inc. "Some of us can actually create chaos in our lives, but you can actually achieve more in slowness than you can in all of your frenzy."

Hmmmm CHAOS in my life? I create it? NAAHH not MOI! Hmmmm again, listen carefully, you can achieve more in slowness, than in frenzy. Love that.

But really....has it really come to the fact that people need Life Coaches to manage their lives?

"It's important to simplify your life and one of the ways you can do that is by creating systems," says Gates.

One system that I think is superb is the FLYLADY! (www.flylady.net) Now there is a couple a chickas who has spent tons of time trying to help others (like me) get their sorry butts in gear. lol  The 15 minutes a day timer is a great system to help set aside designated periods for us time-challenged free spirits, and helps me to focus on what needs to be done without DAWDLING! I believe I am a professional dawdler. If only I could get paid for that...

Gates also has some wonderful common sense tips for helping to create more time in our lives that include:

- Don't try to get everything perfect. Sometimes it's important to know when good enough is good enough and leave it at that. (YEAH someone telling me I don't have to be a perfectionist, LET IT GO!)

- If you start something, finish it. If you stop a project halfway, you'll have to spend extra time reacquainting yourself with it when you pick it back up again. (HMMMMM now all I have to do is pick one of the 1,782 incompleted projects I DO have lying around in various stages and finish one!)

- Get organized. Looking for lost or misplaced things can easily eat up time. (you mean, there's a place for my car keys? What was that my grandma always said, Ah yes, "A place for everything and everything in it's place." Iand thought she was just being anal. lol)

- Learn to laugh. A smile can lighten you up when things take a turn for the worse and you'll be better off laughing off trifling annoyances instead of spending time mulling over unimportant mistakes. (hey if I can't laugh at myself... well, then I haven't looked in the mirror yet today. hehehe)

- Simplify your life. There are times when you just have to say no. Put your foot down and get rid of those things that swallow up your minutes without giving you a payoff. (NO? is that some kind of foreign language word or something? How is that pronounced?)

- Make the most of the time you have. Plan your hours and minutes for the things that are important to you. The rest can wait. (ugh. I hate when my DH is right. He always is telling me to PRIORITIZE, the dreaded "P" word. ...course, we don't have to tell him about this...)

- Take a hike. (literally!) Walk around the block with your kids after dinner or take a nature hike on the weekends. By making exercise a family affair, you'll all have more energy and a healthier lifestyle.

- Live your life your way. You have to make time for play and dreams. After all, you have to feed the soul, just as much as you have to feed the checkbook. Find some balance in your life and enjoy it. (yep, my soul is pretty hungry. Poor little shrivelled up thing, just like my checking account.)

- Spend time with your children. You might be amazed at how much they can change your life. Shouldn't you find some time to appreciate the gifts they want to give you? (okay, this I think I have cornered the market on here. It is the one thing I know to hold dear and appreciate. I learn from my little guy every day!)

SO that's it in a peanut shell...

SIMPLIFY.

I think I am going to make that little graphic a T-shirt. Anyone want one? LOL And today, I am going to make time to

just

BE

STILL.

{RULE YOUR LIFE!}

DAY 3 in the ME Challenge!

Doin the happy dance! Had a great day yesterday; Took Joshie to Buttonwood nursing home and handed out flowers to the residents. It is amazing how tender a heart my little boy has. He is not bothered at all by illness...

I guess that comes from his Maimee. She has been bed-ridden since before he was born and it doesn't bother him in the least. He just climbs right up into bed with her and she read to him, plays, watches TV...

It's nice. It's the reason we moved my parents in here, so she could have time with her grandson, whom she ADORES. I don't like to think about it, but I know she doesn't have much time left with us, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy knowing that she is spending her remaining time on earth surrounded by the people she loves and who love her back....

So, I forced myself to start my Daily Bread devotions with my mom instead of mopping the floor after dinner. I figured I'd let the cleaners do it. lol I don't know why I always clean before they come anyway... <digressing!!!>

Anyway, I know it meant a lot to her, and it did to me too. I got a little bitty journal to keep track of our devotions and today was day 1 for that!

AND, dumm dum da dummmm! I got a righteous ole dent in the cleaning of the craft room. One step closer to actually being able to SCRAP out there! WOOHOOOO!

  THIS is going to be a thing of the  past...

  THIS is NOT me...

  THIS will be my safety zone...

  THIS will be the "before" pic! LOL

Really, it is embarrassing. I don't what is more embarrassing, the fact that I let it GET like this, or the fact that I wasted SO much $money$ on this stuff that I don't NEED?  That's part of the reason I haven't gotten out there sooner....humiliation. lol  I step one little toesie out there and the O/C in me starts to freak out. The rest of my house; organized, labeled, tidy, clean.  This part - the room that is totally mine? ...Well, you see. It is a reflection of how unimportant I have made myself and it makes me mad!! No more!

I have decided:

I am QUEEN of my domain! LOL I need to take charge of ME!

I am going to treat MYSELF with the same kindness and respect as I do for the ones I love.

REST

SELF-HARMONY

NURTURING

are my imperial RIGHTS!

I am going to keep my eye on the unfolding path of my life and value myself....

or at least I am gonna TRY! lol

REST - I need to make this more of a priority to me. LOVE this pic of the ROYAL BED....ahhhhh it's callin my name!

SELF HARMONY - to me, this means making my outside match my inside! LOL I am enjoying cleaning the craft room b/c I know it will be a place that I can unleash my creative wild side! I feel good when my home, my space, reflects me. I feel at peace when the clutter is gone.

Nurturing - Love being outside, love gardening, I feel at peace when I am working out there, pruning, planting, being still and listening to nature...  I've got big plans for an English garden I want to work on next year!

So, on DAY 3 of the ME CHALLENGE:

Take care of yourselves however you can, read that book, get that massage, pedicure those little tootsies.....NURTURE yourseleves, get rest, find inner peace! 

***JANICE - YEAH for you for taking time to read!

***DENEAN - I am so glad you got to NAP ~ GOOD FOR YOU!

I am SO happy to hear how you are coming!

DON'T STOP NOW (I have to yell this at myself!) It feels GOOD to take charge and make myself important! I even enlisted Stephen and Josh in the challenge. I had them clean off the dining room table after dinner and help me put everything away. I know this is a simple thing to do, but I usually wind up just doing everything myself and getting it done faster. AGAIN - NO MORE! Instead of feeling annoyed because Stephen was sitting back, chillin out after dinner, I felt calmer, happier, less stressed. Oh, he totally grumbled at first, but I laid a good old-fashioned guilt-egg and he responded very well. LOL And he agreed that he (and Josh) SHOULD help clean up.

Little itty bitty baby steps here.

But it is amazing how when YOU start to value YOURSELF, other people just fall in line as well....

{DAY 2 ME CHALLENGE}

I like this one:

   

(Manhatten Elements by Trish Jones digikit)

I love this thought. I want Josh to be kind to people, so I practice kindness. Compassion, caring, kindness - these things are taught, these characteristics are cultivated in little one's young minds....

Volunteerism, community, caring - these are ALL such important qualities to me. I have tried to back up my ideas with actions:

I founded a charity 5 years ago (4F Foundation ~ Fund for Foster Families)

I take Josh to volunteer every month at the local nursing home (Buttonwood)

I organize community food/toy/clothing drives

I was President of a grassroots group to help clean up the environment

Josh and I have adopted a whale! lol

I try to show by example by caring for my ill parents.....

I try to be kind, to teach compassion, and hope that Josh learns....

To me, this includes being kind to yourself as well.

In there, in all those things that are important, what message am I sending to my son that in the daily doing of all those things for others, I become: 

resentful.....

drained.....

make kindness a chore.....

become a martyr?

I also need to teach Josh to value HIMSELF, and by valuing MYSELF, I hope the lesson of loving oneself is learned.  That in order to be kind to others, we must allow ourselves the opportunity to replenish our spirit, embracing the notion that taking time for ourselves is not a negative thing.....

Take time to do something nice today for someone else..... THEN, be kind to YOURSELF.

Josh and I are going to get portraits done at Walmart, then take flowers to the elderly at Buttonwood.

Then, I am going to take time to do something nice for me.

Just because.

{some "kind" places to visit:)

http://www.heartsandminds.org/index.htm

https://whales.org/adopt-east.asp

{Lovin' Ms. Rhonna!}

LOL OKAY, you have to understand, I am so not one to get caught up with the "celebrity" scrappers. I, too, feel that a lot of the scrapping world has become too inundated with people who are selling a line, a product, themselves, etc...

That being said, I really do adore Rhonna Farrer. I just get the sense that she is really, uh, REAL! LOL I think that woman just oozes talent and this, the scrapping world, is her creative outlet. She has inspired me through her faith, her amazing talent, her upbeat attitude and her ability to juggle a family and a self-made career, making it look effortless! And I really appreciate how she has run those 21-day challenges, keeping people inspired with her blog and her artwork.

SO, I like to give credit where credit is due (I think it's the teacher in me) and I emailed her to tell her thanks for being inspiring, blah blah blah, I started a small challenge and I want to give her credit, blah blah blah, TOTALLY not expecting an email back.

Well, she emailed me back saying I made her day (!), yada yada yada, and then even commented on my blog!

OKAY - I TOTALLY ADMIT TO GUSHING HERE. But it made me feel good! LOL

I think I have everything RF has designed (ummmm can you say, "blog banner?") ...her papers (digi and her paper lines) are just too stinkin' scrumptious for words. I don't know if I've ever liked a line as much, but it seems I just devour everything that woman puts out! LOL  My latest drool fest is over her Scribbles Alphabet stamps:

So, thanks, Ms. Rhonna, for allowing me to use your wonderful designs to spruce up my blog! Thanks for being so stinkin' creative! Thanks for inspiring people! Keep on doin' what you're doin' girl! You so totally rock!